<$BlogRSDUrl$> Diary of a fat girl

Saturday, November 01, 2003

Over the moon 

I am so excited.
I called my grandma hoping she had a contact
she could recommend in her area for rental
homes.
She told me I could move into my great-grandma's
home that is empty, but for sale.
So we'd be in the same situation. Our home would
have to be shown and could be sold at any time.
BUT
for now it is a home. Plus, it's a gorgeous, newer
triple wide manufactured home with a built on garage
that has a huge extra bedroom built on top of it.
I am in awe.
All this and for less than we are paying now for a
dumpy 30 year old manufactured home.
Sometimes I am simply amazed by the generosity
of people. I feel amazed in that mind blowing speechless
way. It's like this world of opportunity has opened up.
Yeah. I'm crying.
In happiness!

Wednesday, October 29, 2003

Depressed 

I'm bummed.
I try and convince myself that I don't
have any emotion based eating disorder
but while thinking about what's bugging me
I realized I was munching on a bowl of chips
that was sitting on the table. Leftovers from
the Monday night football party. A guest stuffed
the bowl under the coffee table and they weren't
found until today. Two days in a humid home.
They are very stale.
I'm still eating them.
We got a 30 day notice to vacate our rental house. I knew
this would happen eventually since it has been on the
market for over a year and all the other places around us
were selling.
It just couldn't have come at a worse time. We just got a
$500 loan from my parents to pay off a medical bill we were
about to get sued for. How am I going to come up with first,
last and a deposit in a month when I couldn't even scrounge up
the $500 for the medical bills? There seem to be no places available
that allow pets and if they do they don't allow dogs. Which means I
have to start facing the fact that my beloved dog may have to go to
another home.
Tears? Those aren't tears welling up in my eyes. I'm not crying.
Really.
Hmm...wonder if there is any of that cake left from the other day...

Saturday, October 25, 2003

Dreams 

Last night I had a dream.
I only remember bits of it but some of my
family was gathered at my grandmother's
house. My mother and g-ma were there.
I think a few aunts were as well.
Into the kitchen tumbled this gorgeous little
blonde toddler. He had a sweet cheery disposition.
We all delighted in his showing up.
Everyone was wondering who's he was going
to be. It was like we were meeting someone
not born yet. He wandered around and grandma
asked if I was pregnant. If he was going to be mine.
I knew without a doubt that I wasn't pregnant and I said
so. In my dreams I flashed through all the real reasons
why I knew absolutely that I wasn't.
He stopped at my feet with a sad but hopeful look on his
face and I scooped him up and he wrapped those sweet
arms around my neck and I held him tight. It felt like he was
saying goodbye. As if he was supposed to be mine but couldn't
be.
I woke up and forgot all about the dream.
Earlier this evening I was sitting on the couch and his face
flashed in my head and this just feeling of overwhelming love
I had for a child that doesn't even exist washed over me. I felt
just complete sadness and despair that he wasn't mine. I
physically could feel those warm arms around my neck hugging
me tight. His soft skin beneath my cheek.
I sat there and bawled for a good long time. I've never had such
pure emotion wash over me out of nowhere.
It was like a flash rain on a sunny day. Over before what happened
had even really hit you.
All day this weird phrase kept rolling through my brain.
"I'm not ready to let you go. I've got to make room in my body
for you to grow."

I've no idea where any of this is coming from.

Pilates 

I borrowed a Pilates DVD from the library.
So far I really like it. I'm a little amazed
by how "simple" movements can be so effective.
There is one where you lie on your back and draw
circles with your toe in the air...man oh man does
it work the inner thigh something fierce!
Not too long back I borrowed a 4 DVD set of Yoga
dvds done by Rainbeau Mars.
I really enjoyed the little bit I was able to do in the short
time I had the disks. My only complaint was that the menu said
"mediation" instead of "meditation" which I guess is a minor
glitch but hey...I'm anal like that. The meditation on there was
a nice little treat though. It was what a lot of pagan folk would
call a "grounding exercise." It was a cool way to enjoy a guided
meditation.
I really like how Pilates and Yoga feel. My only problem is that
it's hard for me to do even the most basic stuff. I'm surprisingly
flexible for my size but my big old belly really gets in the way of
getting into the positions. Even basic stuff like "hugging your knees
to your chest." Nope, nuh uh. Can't do it. It's very frustrated to be
limited by your body. For the majority of my life it's been a case of
not wanting to exercise. Now I want to...and I've trashed my body
for so long that it just can't. I try to do the exercises
as best as I can and just hope I don't hurt myself. Because I dunno,
if I don't do em wrong then I'll never get to do them right.
Or something.
Maybe someone should do an exercise video for really fat
people. Exercises where a big old gut won't stop you from doing
entire portions of the workout. I bet someone with knowledge of how
the body works could come up with safe work arounds.
Now adays there are enough morbidly obese people to make it
financially feasible. Well, maybe. What do I really know??? lol.
September



Sunday, October 19, 2003

Lottery 

Sometimes I wonder.
"What do you wonder about?" I pretend you ask.
Oh...lots of things but today I am pondering
on what I would be like weight wise if I won
the lottery. I've imagined everything else I would
do, change, think and buy if I won, but never have I
thought about my weight.
Would I become a decadent pig? Would I hire
a personal trainer? Would I hire a chef to fix
better food? Would I lose gobs of weight? Would
I gain gobs more weight?
Would I be exactly the same only with money to
afford clothes? Or would I still wear raggedy ass
holy crotch pants only with gorgeous jewelry so
noone would notice?
I'm almost positive I'd get that surgery like the one
Sharon Osbourne got. I think they put a band around
part of your stomach? So they aren't actually rearranging the
way your body works (like the one Carnie Wilson got)
but just making it so you can't eat as much. I saw it
on tv once. It almost looked like they leave a tire valve
in you so they can adjust the size of the band without
having to be invasive. Yep. That's what I'd probably do.
Get the surgery. I think it is a gastric band instead of
a gastric bypass. Don't quote me, I could be wrong.
I looked around on the web a bit just now and one lady mentioned
that she had it done in Mexico (because it was cheaper there)
and it cost just a bit shy of $10,000. I definitely need to
win the lottery. Or get a sugar daddy/mamma. Lol. *Looks in
mirror* Lottery it is! ;)
-September

(comments welcome)

Why I want to be fat 

On the 24th of September I asked myself
"Why do I want to be fat?"
At the time I didn't have the balls to answer.
I still don't have the balls, being a girl and all,
but I think I'll give it a go.
These aren't actual reasons why because of course
I don't really want to be fat. This is more like an
exercise to try and look deeper inside to hopefully
make myself reveal something of why I seem unable
to lose weight. So umm...bear with me. This could get
interesting. Well, if nothing else...it could get less
boring than the other posts.
1. I want to be fat because...
being fat allows me an excuse for a lot of things
in life. I can't get hired because I'm fat, nobody
likes me because I'm fat. I don't have friends
because I'm fat. My life sucks because I'm fat. Etc.
It's generally good for lying to myself and making
excuses even I don't really believe.
2. I want to be fat because....
being fat means I wear a shield around myself. It's
like built in armor that protects me from the world.
Few people will even meet my eyes as I walk through
a store. If they do it is with either pity or disgust.
This allows me to not have to deal with people as a
whole. Which is sometimes very handy but mostly very
very lonely.
3. I want to be fat because...
being fat gives me an excuse for not being intimate
with anyone. And I don't mean intimate in a solely
sexual way. Sex? Not a problem. Intimacy is a whole
different matter. Having my fat armor is a built in way
to keep friends, family and loved ones at bay. Therefore
I never have to be intimate with them. I'm terrified of
intimacy. I think because deep down I believe that if
anyone knew me they really wouldn't like me. Maybe I
wouldn't like me either.
Maybe I would.
I'm not sure which is scarier.
4. I want to be fat because...
being fat gives me an excuse for not looking deeper at
relationships that are no longer working and that I may
have outgrown. On the other hand the alternative is that
I may have noone and be alone.
5. I want to be fat because...
Losing weight for real is like admitting that my life isn't
good enough. That I'm pissing away so much time and
wasting it...on nothing! Nothing that really matters. It
keeps me from really having to deal with the issues in
my life. It's such a HUGE thing that it kind of overshadows
the "real" things.
Beginning a process of change is painful and it tends to snowball.
Changing one thing can mean changing everything and often
times I've found that well, SHIT happens. Not changing means
staying in this little cocoon. Safe. Although unfortunately my
cocoon is getting too big to be safe.

Eh, that's enough for now. It's 3 am. My eyes are blurry and
I think I've basically said the same thing over and over.
-September

The theme is lame /+changes 

Okay, so I was just making lame excuses for not updating my blog and
was having a look around at other blogs.
As lame as mine is...and I admit it is lame... I am thankful that it
isn't just a page full of the results of lame polls I've taken.
Oh yeah. I'm lame enough to have taken the polls...just not lame
enough to think other people might want to scroll through the
results. Overuse of the word lame you say? Well Ppphhh at you.
Look at the title! ;)
Oh, and while looking at other blogs I saw a neato thingy that
lets people leave comments. I should probably see if it even
works before mentioning it but eh...what the heck.
I wish I knew more about how to customize these things.
I wonder if it would be terribly lame to talk about more than just
the weight loss (or lack of) on this thing. Oh wait...No one but me
reads this! I can post what I'd like. But hey, if you are out there
and you do read this...leave a comment.
G'night

Blank 

Eh. Haven't updated this in awhile.
Sick of my "tone" on this blog. I never intended
to be big whiny girl.
I wanted to be all...woohoo! Inspired and
on fire to lose weight. But it just ain't happening.
I've wasted $300 on a machine I barely use.
I'm still fat. I'm more depressed.
I have ALL the "tools" to lose weight...yet...
hmmm....here I am on my butt.
If I were reading my own blog I'd say
"Damn! This girl needs to shut the f%&$ up!
She whines TOO much. Who cares? You're fat?
Boo freakin' hoo. Shut your mouth and DO
something about it."
So um...yeah. That's why I haven't updated.


Sunday, October 05, 2003

Pathetic 

Okay, haven't really been working out.
I've had this less than a month and I've
already stopped using it.
I kicked my ass over it all last week.
Today I decided to do something.
Something small just to get my ass back
on the machine.
For every hour that I awake and at home
I hop on the machine for 1 minute.
Yep.
1 minute.
So far I've done 12 minutes.
;)
Hey, whatever gets you off your ass right?

September

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

Cat Fight 

I want to kick my unconcious mind's ass.
Okay, so technically it doesn't have one.
Darn it. It'd be so much easier than having
to actually DEAL with myself and "process"
my "problems."
Why do I want to be fat?
Seriously why?
I'm all for inner work, or at least I tell myself
I am but this is well...hard. I guess when it
really comes down to it I want to do the surface
"inner work"...just enough that I don't feel guilty
for doing nothing. *sighs*
I'm such a fluffy bunny.
Spiritually, mentally...physically.
I don't think I'm brave enough to really explore
this.

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